There are moments of knowing. You never know when one is going to happen until it does, usually when it is least expected. You have doubted, you have thought, you have gone beyond thought and just given up and then suddenly you know. You know to take a job or not, to leave a marriage or wait out the storm, to eat that ice cream you had been denying yourself or go for a walk. You know without even a thought crossing your mind. Your heart tells you.
For me it is a sudden opening of the chest and then a “yes” or a “no”. Sometimes it is an answer I am not even conscious of looking for, a decision I didn’t even know was to be made until the split second when it is made, somewhere way beyond my consciousness.
Everything about my leaving Madrid, selling all my stuff and moving to Salies was ‘decided’ that way. No ponderous thinking, no making lists of positive or negative, no weighing of what-if’s. It was just “oh yes” and “wow” and “of course” and things were done, they flowed. Naturally there were moments when the mind woke up and announced disaster, wanted to turn back, called me stupid… all the things that mind does when it gets frightened, but the body was in the flow and we were going. Boy! Were we going!
Today was another moment of knowing, knowing something that I wasn’t even conscious of wanting to know, of wanting to decide. I had just finished watching a good movie called “A Civil Action” with John Travolta, my spirits soaring with justice achieved and the final song of “Take me to the River”, when suddenly I knew: my whole body felt the shift. I was not going to try and keep or deepen my Certification with the Byron Katie Institute. It was like suddenly moving from a discomfort zone to a comfort zone: I opened. I hadn’t even realized that I was contemplating a yes or a no. The opportunity of doing tutoring and being paid for it placed –it seems- a temptation in front of me of which I was practically unconscious. I inquired into the requisites and discovered that even to keep my Certification I would probably have to take about four telecourses and then be an assistant on two more and then apply for approval as a tutor. The fact that I could easily do this because I would have the time now that I am not doing workshops, crossed my mind but I had not given it serious consideration. As soon as I felt the freeing effect of the Knowing, I realized that the possibility of dedicating the time and energy to achieving that end had been weighing on my unconscious mind, narrowing my life and producing the sensation of swimming in marmalade.
The fact is that I don’t know what the hell I am going to do from here on, all that I was given in the Knowing was what I am not going to do. The rest will come when it does now that the opening has been achieved by the knowing. In the meantime, I continue settling and floating. Life carries me along from day to day. There is no grand purpose, I am not out to save anyone. I am doing simple things that I haven’t done for a long time. Sewing a button, washing stockings, cooking a meal, sweeping up crumbs, fixing some flowers, going to the market, reading a chapter of a book that is not grand literature, watching a movie, eating a bowl of popcorn, chatting on Skype with a friend, playing a game on internet, writing this piece.
Even the blog has slowed to a snail’s pace as I run out of past pieces that seem publishable and are not producing that many new ones. Everything has become simple, basic, honest and clean. Sometimes I ask myself if I should be doing something else, but the world is full of people doing other things and without my knowing it my soul was aching for this simplicity. Sometimes I wonder if I should be living closer to my children, but if I try to imagine my life in Mexico City or Los Angeles, anguish wraps around me like a wetsuit. So I continue to do “nothing”, as I would have called it during most of my life past, and as I take the dog out for her last pee of the evening, I glance up at the heavens and see that the clear, sharp air has clustered the stars in special brightness for this night, for this moment, for this breath of life and this miniscule creature who stands at the foot of this building in this small French town gazing starward.