WE FORGET IT’S A MOVIE

In a more useful sense,
 trances are unquestioned
thought systems or behavior
 patterns. In a trance state,
we are so absorbed in the “movie”
that we forget it’s a movie.
And, we forget we are not just
the actor, but also the director
and the audience.
(Swami Beyondananda)

There are several kinds of drunk. Not always, but sometimes I was the aggressive kind: I got drunk to punish you, you being whoever had wronged me at that moment, and believe me, as far as I was concerned the “you’s” were standing in line. I did this when I was 13 and perhaps that might be understandable: 13 is an awful age, it is when nothing is right: you are no longer a child, you aren’t yet an adolescent, you’re straddling a bad luck bronco that threatens to toss you out of existence all together. I remember the occasion perfectly: it was New Year’s Eve and I accompanied my parents to a posh restaurant in Acapulco to celebrate. The atmosphere was gorgeous, the food was great, the champagne flowed and I was miserable, perhaps just because I was 13 or maybe because being miserable seemed at the time the best way to get the love and attention I craved. My story, my sob story, was that everyone had someone and I had no one. Everyone ordered champagne and I got Coca Cola. Everyone was laughing and I had a face that looked as if God Itself had sat on it. Of course, I didn’t notice that I had not been left at home as most 13-year-olds are on New Year’s Eve, but included in the party along with my parent’s best friends, their two grown up daughters and the future sons-in-law; all I noticed was that when everyone else got up to dance, I was left alone at the table. To me it was more than obvious that somebody wasn’t doing their job (which of course was to make me happy and feeling loved) and there would be hell to pay for it: I was furious, depressed, frustrated and irate all in one. So each time they got up to dance, I downed every single glass of champagne that was on the table. Seeing as we were 9 people (with me), that was a hell of a lot of champagne for a 13-year-old who had never had a drink before in her life, except for one glass of watered down wine that I was allowed at Christmas. But getting drunk was exactly what I  planned to do. The thought that went through my mind sounded like: “They’ll see, I’ll get drunk and that will show them!” What exactly I was showing them was certainly uncertain, but what I knew was that I would punish them by getting drunk: it was revenge straight down the hatch, the payoff bottoms up.  I don’t really remember what happened next; probably no one noticed that their champagne was gone when they got back from the dance floor; they refilled the glasses and went back to dancing. I have no memory of how the night ended or how I got home or what the effects of my “revenge” actually were so I must have blacked-out and been found sleeping on the table, absolutely stoned. I have no idea if anyone noticed that my sleep was not that of the just, but that of the vengefully drunk. What I do remember very clearly was having a splitting headache that lasted for four days and about which I dared not complain.

   Did I learn my lesson? You bet! Next time I was going to be sure they suffered by letting them know exactly WHY I got drunk. So I practiced. Actually I practiced for around 36 years quite heavily in the company of my husband, and then, at the ripe old age of 49, I replayed the NY’s Eve trick. I was so angry at my husband that I couldn’t speak, so I decided to show him: “I would get roaring drunk. He would see!” So I did, he did… and I ended up spending 5 weeks in a Rehab Clinic.

The reason I am telling this is because I realized, some time later, that I was acting exactly the same at 49 as I had at 13 and for the same unreasonable reason. This is shocking. As my friend Swami says: I forgot it was a movie. And, in a movie, if you are the script writer and keep writing the same script over and over, you keep having the same ending over and over. No two ways about it. Why is it no one told me this before? Well, it might have been that they did and I wasn’t listening (listening did not used to be my forte), or maybe they were all writing and rewriting their own movies and didn’t notice that mine was not exactly a comedy (although it is pretty funny to believe that you punish people by getting drunk… wonder where that belief came from?) But what is probably most true is that they didn’t tell me because they didn’t know it. Something is definitely changing and what used to be the esoteric knowledge of a few chosen gurus, is suddenly being taught left and right. Gurus and enlightened souls are popping up all over the place, especially in Guruland which is right next door to Disneyland, in California (naturally). New Age has met Ancient Ages and it would seem the shift has begun. I didn’t know that when I was crawling out of my alcoholic daze and into my new life. I didn’t know that really until I turned 60 and began connecting with some of the teachings that are, hopefully, transforming the planet.

            Now I actually do know and remember most of the time that this is a movie, my movie, and as its scriptwriter, director and protagonist I am responsible for making it the best movie possible. So let’s get this show on the road!

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